Become A Calm Mama Darlynn Childress

We all know that parenting is enough of a challenge on its own, but what about when you’re coparenting with an abusive ex, someone who may be acting more for themselves than the best interest of your kid?
My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. We’re talking all about:
The goodness and peace that are on the other side of the pain and struggle.What to look out for when it comes to coercive control, loyalty conflict and reacting to your ex.Ways to support your kid and help them navigate difficult situations.How to get the support you need to care for yourself and your child.
If coparenting with an ex has been a struggle for you, or if you are making a decision to leave a relationship, this real-talk conversation will give you the information you need to make the best choices for you and your child and support them through it all. 
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My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. She works alongside her co-founder and romantic partner, Chris, to help people who are dealing with high-conflict separation and divorce, custody battles, and coparenting hell so that they can have the best outcome in family court and beyond.
 
Lisa’s StoryOf course, there is much more to Lisa’s story than what we could cover in this conversation, but there are some elements she experienced that she has seen to be pretty common with her clients, as well. 
When Lisa was making the decision to leave her previous marriage of 18 years, her now-ex-husband made her feel like if she left, then she would be responsible for breaking up their family, which included two kids. She would be to blame for destroying their kids’ lives. 
So she did everything she could to stay and keep the family together. Ultimately, she realized that one person can’t make both people better. They wanted two different things, and it just wasn’t working. 
Like so many others, Lisa knew she had to leave her marriage for herself. She didn’t know what would happen with the kids. She would figure that out later. But for her to survive, she had to go. 
She describes the feeling of carrying a ball of pain inside of her trying to keep it all together. And when she admitted that it wasn’t working, and her ex left, there was such a sense of relief. A weight had been lifted. 
She didn’t know what would happen next, but she knew she couldn’t try to control it, and letting go was so freeing. Now, she’s on the other side, has found the love of her life and created her business to help others through those same kinds of struggles. 
 
Coparenting With an Abusive ExLisa’s clients are often dealing with ex-spouses who are not handling things with maturity and who are trying to take back control. There are a lot of hurt feelings and, often, a history of abuse. 
In many of these cases, Lisa sees instances of coercive control, which means that some freedom has been taken away from one person in the relationship. It might look like financial abuse, where one person doesn’t have any control over the family’s money. It can also show up as social isolation or other types of verbal, psychological or sexual abuse. 
Although they’re now in different living spaces, the parenting relationship is not over. Lisa says that the three main areas where conflict and abuse come up after a divorce are money, kids and court. 
Legal abuse related to money and court conflicts go hand-in-hand. It’s all about winning and losing. The abusive partner wants to take everything - kids, money, time and control. Conflict...

I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you, not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. 
Today, I’ll explain three thoughts that you’ve probably experienced when you don’t like your kid’s behavior or parts of their personality, why judgments about your kid aren’t helpful and what to do instead.
You’ll Learn:
The parenting advice I give the mostWhy behavior is really just information - and what to do with itHow raising a kid is like baking a special kind of cakeThe long term benefits of unconditional acceptance.
It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid. 
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I just got home from a trip to Paris with my newly-turned-18-year-old son. I got to spend a lot of time with him, getting to see and know who he is right now. We had an amazing trip, and there were also times where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, sad or disappointed about his views or attitude toward certain things. 
I’m continuing to work through some of those feelings even after we’ve returned home, and I hope my experience will help you parent the kid in front of you, too.
 
Why Parenting The Kid In Front of You Is ImportantWhen we’re in a relationship with someone and we make their behavior mean something negative, then it is going to sour the relationship and the way that we interact with them. 
When you perceive your kid in a certain way, thoughts and feelings come up, and these drive your actions. It's really important to work on how you think and feel about your kid and not put that negative attitude or judgment on their behavior.
This can be really hard because as a parent, it is your responsibility to help your kid learn how to be in relationship with themselves and others. You’re trying to teach values like politeness, generosity and kindness. 
But sometimes, you see your kid behave in ways that are opposite to those values. What often happens is that you get so caught up in the behavior and what it means that it prevents you from actually parenting and teaching them the skills they need in order to become who they’re meant to be. 
Your child is on a journey of development. In order to help them grow, you have to accept how they are right now, from a neutral place, and see it either as a part of their personality that hasn’t fully developed or a skill that they haven’t yet learned. 
 
3 Negative Mindsets to AvoidWhen your kid behaves in a way you don't like, it's easy to make their behavior mean something negative - either about you as a parent, them as a person, or their future.
All of these negative stories impact how you show up as a parent; and have a negative impact on your child.
These are the three negative mindsets I see causing the most long-term harm. 
 
#1: Making your child’s behavior mean something about you. If you look at your child’s behavior and think, “I’m a bad parent,” it makes it feel really personal. It puts you into your own story and takes you out of what’s going on with your kid. 
You might find yourself overparenting, being overly strict, harsh or mean. Often, this is where I see parents skip past calm and connection and go straight to correction and consequences. 
Behavior is a coping strategy, and the behavior you’re seeing is just information, data about where your child needs support, tools and skills. 
Instead of thinking, “How does this behavior affect me? How does it reflect on me?”, try asking, “How is this behavior going to affect my child? What skill is missing here? What do they need to learn?”
When you see that they’re acting the way they are because they’ve overwhelmed

When kids lie, it can feel personal or like a moral issue. But just like so many other challenging behaviors, it is a strategy that your child uses to communicate their negative emotion. It’s normal kid behavior (not a character flaw). 
In this episode, I’ll share a handful of common reasons kids (or anyone for that matter) lie, why trying to get the truth out of them usually doesn’t work and what you can do instead when your kid lies.
You’ll Learn:
Common lies kids tell and what might be behind themWhy getting your child to confess isn’t actually that helpfulHow to step into your leadership energy to deal with misbehavior What your kid really needs when they’re using lies to cope
You don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on! 
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Often, lying happens when your kid has a problem that they don’t know how to solve or get out of. It seems like an easy solution to them. They can just lie and avoid dealing with it altogether. It’s really as simple as that.
We don’t need to cloud the issue with arguments about respect or disrespect. We can simply look at it as a skill gap. It is your job as a parent to teach your child how to solve problems in better ways. 
 
Why Kids LieWhen you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.
Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true. 
The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.
To Avoid Trouble. Maybe they forgot to feed the dog or do a chore. They don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to get in trouble for not doing it, so they tell you it’s already done. This can also show up with siblings in the old, “I didn’t do it; She did it,” type of argument. 
To Protect Themself (or you). Your child might want to protect their identity and your thoughts about them. They don’t want to see the disappointment or negative judgment on your face. They’re afraid that you won’t like them anymore or will think they’re a loser, a bad person, etc.
They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid. 
To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time. 
To Be Seen. We’ve all heard a kid tell a really grandiose story about themselves or something that happened in their life. These kids likely feel uninteresting or unimportant, and they lie in order to get someone’s attention. 
To Avoid Embarrassment. This can show up with kids who are being bullied (although there are many other things they might feel embarrassed to share, too). Either they can’t find a way to tell you or they don’t...

Hearing your kid say, “I hate you” can be one of the hardest things to hear as a parent. Today, I’m giving you tangible, easy to apply strategies for handling “I hate you,” including ways to feel less upset by it and change the pattern. 
In this episode:
Why kids say, “I hate you,” even though they don’t really mean itHow to protect your feelings Why saying, “I hate you” hurts your child, tooHow to change this pattern of behavior
Your child doesn’t actually hate you. They just don’t have the skill or language to describe their feelings in a healthier way (yet). Listen to learn how to give your kid better strategies for dealing with their big feelings and coach them toward emotional literacy.
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What Are They Actually Saying?When your kid tells you they hate you, it’s easy to jump to thoughts about how disrespectful, embarrassing and hurtful they are being. 
For the most part, kids don’t hate their parents. So, when they say, “I hate you,” what they’re usually trying to say is, “I hate this,” or “I hate this rule,” or “I hate this situation.”
Your child is communicating their frustration, disappointment, anger or hurt about the circumstance they are in. The strategy they’re using is to blame you because, in their mind, you are what is blocking them from getting the thing they want. 
Handling “I Hate You”Of course, saying, “I hate you,” when they are disappointed is not how we want our kids to cope with negative emotion, so we will work to change the pattern. But we’re not trying to change the pattern because it’s disrespectful and rude. 
We want to change it because it hurts our child to communicate their emotion this way. It is not a healthy way to cope. What we may not always see is that after the “I hate you,” they also have to deal with guilt and confusion over saying that to someone that they really love. 
Our goal is to give them better tools to deal with discomfort and disappointment. 
Step 1: Get neutral (CALM)
Start by reframing the statement. Remember that they are using that sentence to cope with discomfort or pain - a feeling that they don’t know how to deal with. Letting yourself know that it really isn’t about you will help you feel calm. 
Next, find the pattern that you want to change. Is there something that seems to trigger the  “I hate you”? Maybe it has something to do with screen time rules or when you tell them they can’t have a treat. 
Step 2: Talk to your kid about the words (CONNECT)
Your child might not have the words for what they’re feeling or why they are upset. 
Have a connection conversation with them outside of the “I hate you” moment. Share the pattern that you’ve noticed, and help them name the anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, hurt, or whatever they might be feeling. 
Here’s an example: 
Hey, honey, I've noticed a pattern that when you get really mad about something, you say, “I hate you.” And saying, “I hate you” makes a lot of sense because you are really angry and you want to tell me that. Listen, I know you don't actually hate me because we love each other so much. I think you’re trying to say, “I hate this. I don’t like your rules. I don’t like when you say no to me.” 
Give them some time to talk here, to complain a little about their life. Create space for their thoughts and feelings to come up. Just listen. Don’t try to defend yourself or convince them of anything. If there is something you do in that situation that is really causing a problem for them, take responsibility and apologize. 
Step 3: Problem solving (LIMIT SET)
This is where we teach...

I want you to feel really great as a parent. I want you to get out of mom guilt and instead feel a deep sense of calm. This calm leads to confidence, compassion for your kids, clarity on what you should do, and so many other good things.
What I've noticed, though, is that when moms first come to me, they often feel really embarrassed that they are not already calm. This mom feels ashamed that she yelled at her kid or emotionally checked out or was a little bit too physical. She thinks she should know better or that something is wrong with her. 
Listen to learn:
Why it’s hard for you to feel calm (and it’s totally normal!)How getting calm is like learning to drive a carWhat to do after you lose it on your kidWhy shame is not the way to change your behavior
If you can relate to that embarrassed mom, I want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you. Today, I’ll help you learn how to feel more calm and less guilt.
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When You Don’t Feel CalmYou're human. You have a human nervous system and stress response. 
And raising children is stressful. Especially in the first 11 or 12 years, parenting is relentless. The waves keep coming and coming, and it feels like you never get a break.
Sometimes, you might be able to catch yourself before you totally lose it on your kid. This is a great time for a Pause Break. 
When you notice that you’re starting to take your feelings out on your child, just stop. Like you’re slamming on the brakes. It’s going to feel weird and sudden. You can say, “You know what? I love you, but I don't want to yell at you. So I'm gonna go wash my hands.” Then, go and reset. 
Other times, we don’t even realize that we are overwhelmed or frustrated until we find ourselves yelling and losing our sh!t. We act our feelings out on our kid. And then later, we feel really bad about it.
The truth is that, eventually, you always regulate yourself (or else you’d still be yelling hours later). Your brain comes back online, and you stop. The goal is to stop earlier and come back to calm more intentionally. 
 
How To Get Out of Mom GuiltI see a lot of moms go into self-criticism with thoughts like, “I'm hopeless. I'm not like other moms. I'm not good enough. I'm not cut out for this.”
We have this subconscious thought that if we’re mean enough to ourselves about how we acted, we can shame ourselves into behaving better. 
But shame doesn’t motivate. Shame creates pain, which just continues the cycle. That’s why we don’t do it for our kids, and I don’t want you to do it to yourself, either. 
As a woman, and especially as a mom, it is so easy to be so mean to yourself. But all that ends up happening is that you feel really hurt, sad and discouraged, and then you take those feelings into the next encounter with your child.
When things escalate and you find yourself yelling before you pause, you don’t need to judge yourself for it. 
Instead, offer yourself the same compassion you offer to others. Just like we teach our kids, your feelings are okay. You might just need new strategies to handle your emotions. 
 
What To Do When You Lose Your CoolSelf-compassion is so important after you lose it on your kid. It's time to step back and give yourself a bunch of love. You always have permission to pause. Literally just stop parenting for a moment, and go take care of yourself.
Compassion is the way to move towards better behavior. It's a deep understanding of what was happening for you and a validation of that emotion. 
You can use the Connection Tool on yourself the same way you would use it with your child.
Narrate the situation for yourself. Give words to what was so hard.

My guest, marriage coach Maggie Reyes, and I are talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship, how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better.
You’ll learn:
How to shift your thoughts when you’re bored with your partnerWhat to do when you feel like you don’t matter to your partnerHow to reconnect (and it’s not just more date nights!)Where to look for clues about your values so you can be more intentional with your energy
Even if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life. 
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Today’s guest, Maggie Reyes, is a marriage coach who is sharing her advice to make any relationship better. Even if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life. 
We’re talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship and how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better.
 
4 Essential Elements of a Great RelationshipIf you’re in a relationship with someone that’s not feeling amazing, you might not even know where to begin. The four elements Maggie shares give us a starting point to narrow down where the issue(s) might be and offer possible solutions.
They each come with their own question to get you started.
Perspective. Is there a different way to look at this? For example, if you feel you aren’t getting what you need in a certain situation, is it possible that your partner is trying but not doing it the way you would want?
Partnership. Are we on the same team? Do we have collaboration and rapport? This works like an emotional bank account. You need to make a lot of deposits into the partnership in order to make the withdrawals you want.
Pleasure. Are we having fun and enjoying our connection? In a marriage, this also includes having a sexual connection. This is where tools like the Delight List I often teach come into play. 
Personal Power. Am I thinking that I matter? This allows you to explore what is and is not okay with you. You have to believe that you matter enough to even ask for what you want and need in the relationship. You get to ask for things that you find pleasing or delightful, and you get to say “no” to things that don’t fit your priorities and values.
These elements are often connected. For example, if you’re enjoying each other’s company, you likely also have a strong rapport and partnership. If there is one that really stands out as you ask yourself these questions, that is a great place to focus your attention. 
 
Give and Get What You Both NeedMaggie believes that people love us the best they can, but it isn’t always the way we want to be loved. You and your partner might express your feelings and what matters to you in completely different ways. 
Sometimes we miss each other or we miss the mark on what the other person wants or needs. We're trying to do things, and the other person isn't seeing them. It’s easy to tell ourselves, “Oh, they don’t care. They’re not thinking about me.” But often, this isn’t the case. 
A shift in perspective can help us see things that we weren’t noticing or looking for before, or we might see that they are expressing love in a different way that we would. 
Try asking...