Become A Calm Mama

Darlynn Childress

Become a Calm Mama is a parenting podcast where you learn practical parenting tools and strategies so you can stop yelling, feel more calm, and show up as the mom you want to be. Darlynn is the top parenting coach for moms who want to know exactly how to handle misbehavior and create a peaceful home. Darlynn is known for her practical strategies and a down to earth understanding of what it’s really like to be a mom raising kids in the 21st century. Over the past 14 years, Darlynn has dedicated her life to becoming the mom she wanted to be for my kids. In that process, she created a parenting model called “The Calm Mama Process” that helped her navigate every tricky parenting moment that’s been thrown her way. From hitting to bullying, from toddler meltdowns to teenage shenanigans, from missing assignments to college admissions, from getting kids to bed to getting kids out of bed, from kids not wanting to get out of the bath to middle schoolers that don’t want to take a shower, from kids fighting in the car to kids who drive their own car, she’s seen it all. Darlynn has taught her model to hundreds of moms since 2015 and when they apply the Calm Mama Process to their tricky parenting moments they have calm and peace in their homes. Their kids' behavior improves, their relationship with their children gets so much better, and they enjoy motherhood (most of the time!). Darlynn teaches her process inside her coaching program, The Emotionally Healthy Kids course, where you learn how to master your reactivity, teach kids how to manage their big feelings, and set limits that work. Each week she brings practical and simple strategies to the podcast so you can stop yelling and create a peaceful home. read less
Kids & FamilyKids & Family

Episodes

Handling “I Hate You”
Yesterday
Handling “I Hate You”
Hearing your kid say, “I hate you” can be one of the hardest things to hear as a parent. Today, I’m giving you tangible, easy to apply strategies for handling “I hate you,” including ways to feel less upset by it and change the pattern. In this episode:Why kids say, “I hate you,” even though they don’t really mean itHow to protect your feelings Why saying, “I hate you” hurts your child, tooHow to change this pattern of behaviorYour child doesn’t actually hate you. They just don’t have the skill or language to describe their feelings in a healthier way (yet). Listen to learn how to give your kid better strategies for dealing with their big feelings and coach them toward emotional literacy.--------------------------------What Are They Actually Saying?When your kid tells you they hate you, it’s easy to jump to thoughts about how disrespectful, embarrassing and hurtful they are being. For the most part, kids don’t hate their parents. So, when they say, “I hate you,” what they’re usually trying to say is, “I hate this,” or “I hate this rule,” or “I hate this situation.”Your child is communicating their frustration, disappointment, anger or hurt about the circumstance they are in. The strategy they’re using is to blame you because, in their mind, you are what is blocking them from getting the thing they want. Handling “I Hate You”Of course, saying, “I hate you,” when they are disappointed is not how we want our kids to cope with negative emotion, so we will work to change the pattern. But we’re not trying to change the pattern because it’s disrespectful and rude. We want to change it because it hurts our child to communicate their emotion this way. It is not a healthy way to cope. What we may not always see is that after the “I hate you,” they also have to deal with guilt and confusion over saying that to someone that they really love. Our goal is to give them better tools to deal with discomfort and disappointment. Step 1: Get neutral (CALM)Start by reframing the statement. Remember that they are using that sentence to cope with discomfort or pain - a feeling that they don’t know how to deal with. Letting yourself know that it really isn’t about you will help you feel calm. Next, find the pattern that you want to change. Is there something that seems to trigger the  “I hate you”? Maybe it has something to do with screen time rules or when you tell them they can’t have a treat. Step 2: Talk to your kid about the words (CONNECT)Your child might not have the words for what they’re feeling or why they are upset. Have a connection conversation with them outside of the “I hate you” moment. Share the pattern that you’ve noticed, and help them name the anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, hurt, or whatever they might be feeling. Here’s an example: Hey, honey, I've noticed a pattern that when you get really mad about something, you say, “I hate you.” And saying, “I hate you” makes a lot of sense because you are really angry and you want to tell me that. Listen, I know you don't actually hate me because we love each other so much. I think you’re trying to say, “I hate this. I don’t like your rules. I don’t like when you say no to me.” Give them some time to talk here, to complain a little about their life. Create space for their thoughts and feelings to come up. Just listen. Don’t try to defend yourself or convince them of anything. If there is something you do in that situation that is really causing a problem for them, take responsibility and apologize. Step 3: Problem solving (LIMIT SET)This is where we teach...
Get Out of Mom Guilt
Mar 21 2024
Get Out of Mom Guilt
I want you to feel really great as a parent. I want you to get out of mom guilt and instead feel a deep sense of calm. This calm leads to confidence, compassion for your kids, clarity on what you should do, and so many other good things.What I've noticed, though, is that when moms first come to me, they often feel really embarrassed that they are not already calm. This mom feels ashamed that she yelled at her kid or emotionally checked out or was a little bit too physical. She thinks she should know better or that something is wrong with her. Listen to learn:Why it’s hard for you to feel calm (and it’s totally normal!)How getting calm is like learning to drive a carWhat to do after you lose it on your kidWhy shame is not the way to change your behaviorIf you can relate to that embarrassed mom, I want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you. Today, I’ll help you learn how to feel more calm and less guilt.---------------------------------When You Don’t Feel CalmYou're human. You have a human nervous system and stress response. And raising children is stressful. Especially in the first 11 or 12 years, parenting is relentless. The waves keep coming and coming, and it feels like you never get a break.Sometimes, you might be able to catch yourself before you totally lose it on your kid. This is a great time for a Pause Break. When you notice that you’re starting to take your feelings out on your child, just stop. Like you’re slamming on the brakes. It’s going to feel weird and sudden. You can say, “You know what? I love you, but I don't want to yell at you. So I'm gonna go wash my hands.” Then, go and reset. Other times, we don’t even realize that we are overwhelmed or frustrated until we find ourselves yelling and losing our sh!t. We act our feelings out on our kid. And then later, we feel really bad about it.The truth is that, eventually, you always regulate yourself (or else you’d still be yelling hours later). Your brain comes back online, and you stop. The goal is to stop earlier and come back to calm more intentionally.  How To Get Out of Mom GuiltI see a lot of moms go into self-criticism with thoughts like, “I'm hopeless. I'm not like other moms. I'm not good enough. I'm not cut out for this.”We have this subconscious thought that if we’re mean enough to ourselves about how we acted, we can shame ourselves into behaving better. But shame doesn’t motivate. Shame creates pain, which just continues the cycle. That’s why we don’t do it for our kids, and I don’t want you to do it to yourself, either. As a woman, and especially as a mom, it is so easy to be so mean to yourself. But all that ends up happening is that you feel really hurt, sad and discouraged, and then you take those feelings into the next encounter with your child.When things escalate and you find yourself yelling before you pause, you don’t need to judge yourself for it. Instead, offer yourself the same compassion you offer to others. Just like we teach our kids, your feelings are okay. You might just need new strategies to handle your emotions.  What To Do When You Lose Your CoolSelf-compassion is so important after you lose it on your kid. It's time to step back and give yourself a bunch of love. You always have permission to pause. Literally just stop parenting for a moment, and go take care of yourself.Compassion is the way to move towards better behavior. It's a deep understanding of what was happening for you and a validation of that emotion. You can use the Connection Tool on yourself the same way you would use it with your child.Narrate the situation for yourself. Give words to what was so hard.
Make Any Relationship Better with Maggie Reyes
Mar 14 2024
Make Any Relationship Better with Maggie Reyes
My guest, marriage coach Maggie Reyes, and I are talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship, how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better.You’ll learn:How to shift your thoughts when you’re bored with your partnerWhat to do when you feel like you don’t matter to your partnerHow to reconnect (and it’s not just more date nights!)Where to look for clues about your values so you can be more intentional with your energyEven if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life. _____________________Today’s guest, Maggie Reyes, is a marriage coach who is sharing her advice to make any relationship better. Even if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life. We’re talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship and how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better. 4 Essential Elements of a Great RelationshipIf you’re in a relationship with someone that’s not feeling amazing, you might not even know where to begin. The four elements Maggie shares give us a starting point to narrow down where the issue(s) might be and offer possible solutions.They each come with their own question to get you started.Perspective. Is there a different way to look at this? For example, if you feel you aren’t getting what you need in a certain situation, is it possible that your partner is trying but not doing it the way you would want?Partnership. Are we on the same team? Do we have collaboration and rapport? This works like an emotional bank account. You need to make a lot of deposits into the partnership in order to make the withdrawals you want.Pleasure. Are we having fun and enjoying our connection? In a marriage, this also includes having a sexual connection. This is where tools like the Delight List I often teach come into play. Personal Power. Am I thinking that I matter? This allows you to explore what is and is not okay with you. You have to believe that you matter enough to even ask for what you want and need in the relationship. You get to ask for things that you find pleasing or delightful, and you get to say “no” to things that don’t fit your priorities and values.These elements are often connected. For example, if you’re enjoying each other’s company, you likely also have a strong rapport and partnership. If there is one that really stands out as you ask yourself these questions, that is a great place to focus your attention.  Give and Get What You Both NeedMaggie believes that people love us the best they can, but it isn’t always the way we want to be loved. You and your partner might express your feelings and what matters to you in completely different ways. Sometimes we miss each other or we miss the mark on what the other person wants or needs. We're trying to do things, and the other person isn't seeing them. It’s easy to tell ourselves, “Oh, they don’t care. They’re not thinking about me.” But often, this isn’t the case. A shift in perspective can help us see things that we weren’t noticing or looking for before, or we might see that they are expressing love in a different way that we would. Try asking...
A New Way To Parent
Mar 7 2024
A New Way To Parent
If you’re tired of repeating yourself, yelling, punishing and keeping up with the dreaded sticker chart, I want you to know that there is a new way of parenting - one that actually works. Listen to learn:Why your kids don’t do what you tell them to (and you end up yelling)The 4 steps of the Calm Mama ProcessMy favorite sentence for validating feelingsHow to get help and learn a new way to parentWhen I became a parent, I realized that I didn't like the way it felt to be punitive. I didn’t want to yell, criticize or spank. I had to find a different way, but I didn’t really have any other tools in my toolbox to manage my kid’s behavior. So I learned a TON about different parenting styles. And I created my own toolbox. In this episode, you’ll learn the steps of the Calm Mama Process and what sets it apart from other parenting models and tools.----------------------------------I’ve been a mom for almost 20 years. And in the beginning, I thought I just needed to manage my kids' behavior and teach them how to be good people. I didn't really know much about it.I was raised with a traditional parenting model that used punishment or praise to keep kids in line. Nobody talked to me about feelings. Nobody cared about that. The adult world was the adult world, and the kid world was the kid world. When I became a parent, I realized that I didn't like the way it felt to be punitive. I didn’t want to yell, criticize or spank. I had to find a different way, but I didn’t really have any other tools in my toolbox to manage my kid’s behavior. So I learned a TON about different parenting styles. And I created my own toolbox. In this episode, you’ll learn the steps of the Calm Mama Process and what sets it apart from other parenting models and tools. Parenting StylesThere are four main parenting styles out there.Authoritarian parenting, which is very strict. This is where we hear a lot of, “Do it because I said so.”Authoritative parenting (this is what I teach), where there is a balance between respecting feelings while also holding boundaries. A mixture of being strict and connected. Permissive parenting in which there are no boundaries. Neglectful parenting, which is also thought of as uninvolved or detached parenting.  A New Way To ParentWhen my kids were young, I was trying to do traditional parenting stuff, like time outs and sticker charts, and my kid’s behavior was escalating rather than improving. Then, I learned about what we now call gentle parenting. You may also hear it referred to as nonviolent or compassionate parenting. I learned that feelings drive behavior, and behavior is a form of communication of emotion or unmet emotional needs.When I started using these gentle parenting tools, my son’s long, intense tantrums became less intense, happened less often and were over more quickly. And it didn’t take long for me to notice a change.I see this over and over with my clients. As soon as the parent starts to practice genuine connection, the child's Big Feeling Cycles decrease. The Calm Mama ProcessOver time, I created the Calm Mama Process, a parenting approach that includes both emotional coaching (helping your kids with their feelings), as well as how to set boundaries and follow through with consequences.The process is made up of 4 steps: Calm, Connect, Limit Set & Correct. Calm is the first step of the process, but it was actually the last one to come about. I saw my clients getting amazing results with the other three steps, but I was also hearing the same problem...
The Accidentally Permissive Parent
Feb 29 2024
The Accidentally Permissive Parent
When I first became a parent coach, I talked a lot with moms about how feelings matter. Over the past 15 years, I’ve seen a shift. Now there's a lot of awareness about emotions and validation, but I find myself talking more and more about how important it is to have consequences and teach kids that their behavior has an impact.In this episode, you’ll learn: Why gentle parenting information is often incompleteWhy it’s not enough just to stop yelling and talk about feelingsHow we experience real-life consequences as adults (and how we can use it as a model for parenting)How to protect your own energyThis confusion over, “Ok, I validated their emotion. Now what?” is why I teach the limit setting formula and the concept of restitution. When you’re calm AND you put limits, consequences and connection all together, you are teaching your child how to integrate all the parts of their brain. It’s a complete parenting model to raise emotionally healthy humans. Listen to learn how.--------------------------------------Parenting culture in the US has come a long way in terms of recognizing and validating our kids' emotions. And at the same time, we’re seeing more instances of the “accidentally permissive parent”. Why Permissive Parenting HappensIn a recent study of parents who were practicing gentle parenting principles, 40% said that they actually don't know what they're doing.Many of these parents have values around staying calm during a conflict, not yelling, identifying and naming their child’s emotions and trying to help their kid cope with those emotions. They’re trying to break cycles of shame and punishment and pain. This is amazing and beautiful. But it is incomplete, because they don’t know what to do with the misbehavior. There isn’t really language around setting limits or having consequences. This confusion over, “Ok, I validated their emotion. Now what?” is why I teach the limit setting formula and the concept of restitution. When you’re calm and you put limits, consequences and connection all together, you are teaching your child how to integrate all the parts of their brain. It’s a complete parenting model. Over time, you end up with an emotionally healthy person who knows how to manage their feelings in ways that work for them and others. That is our goal.  How to Avoid Being an Accidentally Permissive ParentMany moms who are interested in gentle parenting (also called compassionate or nonviolent parenting) are familiar with the first two steps of the Calm Mama Process: Calm and Connect.In CALM, you regulate your own emotions. This might include healing from past trauma and definitely includes managing your stress levels. In CONNECT, we name, validate and emotionally coach our kids through their Big Feeling Cycles.I believe we need to take connection a step further, and help our kids manage their big feelings within limits.When your kid is struggling with a big feeling, you might feel like you can't set a boundary. You might want to let the misbehavior go because they’re already upset. You don’t want to bring on more big feelings by dealing with the misbehavior. You can be firm while still recognizing your kid’s feelings. In a situation where a kid is throwing things or hitting, this might look like The Hard No. “Everyone stays safe here. You can have your big feelings, but you cannot hit me.” LIMIT SET is the third step. Here, you set clear limits and what your child may do (or what you’re willing to do), and hold your boundaries. For example, you tell your child they can play outside after they’ve finished their...
Why Parenting Is Confusing
Feb 22 2024
Why Parenting Is Confusing
I’m just gonna say it. Parenting is confusing! There are a lot of decisions to make, and you want to be an amazing mom for your kid. In this episode, I’ll explain why parenting is so confusing and offer some words of encouragement that I hope will make you realize that you’re already doing a great job.We’ll talk about:Why parenting is confusing (it’s not just you!)How parenting is like learning to driveWhat it looks like to be a beginner and how to advance your skills in parentingIf you are struggling in your parenting and you are confused and overwhelmed, I want to say that's normal. Nothing's wrong with you. Listen to learn how to embrace being a beginner and build confidence in your parenting skills.---------------------------------------As a parent, there are a lot of times when you don't know what to do. You think you should know, so then you feel bad because you don't know. You judge your confusion, and it's a whole messy spiral.Especially in the beginning, you might think, “What is wrong with me? I have no idea how to do this. I'm so overwhelmed.” I want you to know nothing is wrong with you. Why Parenting Is ConfusingThe reason parenting is confusing is simply because you have never done this before. It's normal to feel confused in the beginning of doing something new.Parenting is a long line of decisions and things you need to learn how to do, from when and how to introduce solid foods to signing your kid up for sports to teaching them how to drive.There are lots of opinions out there, from friends, family and, of course, the internet, but YOU are the one who has to decide. It feels like you're flying blind. You make the best decision you can with the information you have and see what happens.This doesn’t always feel great, but it’s the same with anything new that you’re learning how to do.  Being a BeginnerI’ve taught three teenagers to drive (both of my sons and my nephew), and I was struck by how little the kids actually knew about how to drive. They thought they knew because they'd been in a car a lot. They'd watched their parents drive. But when they got in, they barely knew where the brake was and they had no idea how much pressure to use on the pedals or how far to turn the steering wheel.Parenting is the same. You had parents or other adults who raised you. You’ve seen other people parent. Maybe you’ve even read books about it. But doing it yourself is a whole other story.I want to release you from the guilt or the shame around thinking that you should know better and give you permission to be a beginner, especially in the first 7 or 8 years of parenthood. This is not something that you should be great at right out of the gate.You’re already a great parent because you’re a wonderful human, but these unique experiences of parenting are new. You have not dealt with this before. For now, I want you to adopt a beginner mindset in parenting like you would with any other skill. Right now you’re looking for answers, figuring things out and deciding what areas you should seek out help with.  Building Your Parenting SkillsEvery time we want to we do something new, especially if it matters to us, we learn. We get help, we find a teacher. The cool thing is that as you do something, you learn the basics and start to get better at it. Some of those basic things that you used to feel confused about no longer feel so confusing.You get to know your kid a little bit more. You make some decisions and build up experience and wisdom. You start to realize that you’ve already figured out a bunch of things, and you’re not necessarily a beginner anymore....
When You Don't Like Your Kid
Feb 15 2024
When You Don't Like Your Kid
If you’re a mom, you know there are times when you don’t like your kid. Of course, you always love and care about them and want what’s best for them, but there are also tough stages or times when they’re showing up in ways you just really don’t like. This happens to parents all the time, but it’s something we hardly ever talk about (because we’re ashamed of feeling this way). In this episode, you’ll learn:Why only you can control the way you think and feel about your kid (no more waiting for them to change)Examples of how to reframe behavior and use it as information2 simple exercises you can do right now to shift to a more positive view of your childHow your feelings toward your kid are like an Instant PotListen in to learn how to change your thoughts and feelings about your child so that you can shift out of that yucky place of judgment, anger and resentment, find compassion and improve your relationship.-----------------------------------------------If you’re a mom, you know there are times when you don’t like your kid. Of course, you always love and care about them and want what’s best for them, but there are also tough stages or times when they’re showing up in ways you just really don’t like. .This happens to parents all the time, but it’s something we hardly ever talk about (probably because we feel ashamed for feeling this way). We think we aren’t supposed to have these negative feelings about our kids. When You Don’t Like Your KidThe truth is, there are stages of parenting that are really hard. Little kids fight for more power. Teenagers try to define themselves and might show up with values that don’t feel good to you. Personalities clash. Your kid has big feelings that they don’t know what to do with. These challenges can be even bigger if your child is neurodivergent or has experienced trauma in their lives.I want you to know that, no matter what is going on, your kid is not just an asshole. They’re not wired to be a jerk. They are a human struggling with their negative thoughts and big feelings, and they don’t know how to handle it.These are hard things to be around, so it’s normal if there are periods of time when you don’t really like your kid that much.It becomes a problem when you stay stuck in that place and start to harbor resentment, frustration and anger. When you bring that “dislike” energy and all of your negative opinions and thoughts into your relationship, the dislike (and even disgust) grows. You act unkindly toward them, they get defensive or attack you back, and you can end up in a really yucky place.And if you feel overwhelmed by the frustration and hurt and want to emotionally check out, you’ll lose that connection, too.It’s easy to think that your child needs to change their behavior or personality in order for you to feel differently about them. But this is pretty much completely out of your control, and as you wait for them to change, the relationship gets worse and worse. How To Shift From “Dislike” To “Like”There is a better way, and it starts with you. The strategies below will help you to change how you are thinking and feeling about your child so that you can shift out of that yucky mindset and improve your relationship.So much of parenting is about your mindset, which is great because you have control over how you think about something (including your kid and their behavior). Your thoughts then create your feelings, and your feelings drive the way you show up and act with your kid.You get to choose how you think and feel about your child. You can also reframe the way you think about their behavior, remembering that behavior is always an expression of how that person is feeling. What’s going on inside of them is showing up
The Value of Play with TJ Matton
Feb 8 2024
The Value of Play with TJ Matton
You’ve probably heard about the value of play for kids, but did you know that it’s just as important for adults? Today, I’m joined by TJ Matton, who helps people find enjoyment in the everyday, playful ways to manage stress, and empowering ways to greater fulfillment.You’ll Learn:The value of play - for kids and adults alikeWhy we stop playing in the first placeHow embracing play affects your parentingWhere to start if you’re feeling stuckListen in to hear playing in your own way helps you organically manage your time, feel embodied and find purpose and meaning in everyday life. -----------------------------------------TJ Matton is a social worker, psychotherapist, coach, and educator. Through her business, The Playful Revolution, she helps adults learn to liberate their minds and bodies through play. Most people automatically associate play with children (or playing with kids). But play is a primal need of all humans, and TJ’s goal is to help adults re-engage their natural drive for play. Why Do We Need Play?Besides the fact that it’s enjoyable, play is a tool that we can use to regulate our nervous systems and manage our stress responses.In her work with moms, TJ has explored how mom rage is related to a play-deprived state. When we yell and scream at our kids, it gives us a feeling of power and control. It puts us back into our bodies. But we can get these same feelings from play…without the wave of guilt, shame and embarrassment that often comes after an episode of mom rage. Play helps us release the pent-up energy in our bodies and shift out of an activated state more easily. We often think of being playful as silly or humorous. And while it can look this way, play is really about being interested, engaged, curious and connected. It can be physical, intellectual or in our imaginations. Even tasks like cooking can be playful, if you’re feeling engaged and creative in the process.  Why Do We Stop Playing?As kids, play is everything! So, what happened?  VulnerabilityFor adults, play can bring up feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness or fear of failure.It requires us to abandon power dynamics. We might have to change rules or adjust a game to even the playing field and make it playful and fun for everyone involved. And there is often some risk taking involved. The point of play is to test limits, like when you build the tallest tower you can, knowing that it will fall.  This limit testing means that we are going to fail pretty much every time (and that’s what’s supposed to happen). But the older we get, the less acceptable we see failure to be. Instead, we can look at life from a place of curiosity and resilience. “My tower fell over, but that’s what’s supposed to happen. I didn’t do anything wrong. Now I get to try again. I wonder how tall I can get it next time?” Previous experiencesOur learned response to play also plays a role in how we approach it as adults. As a child, were you often told that your play was too loud, big, chaotic or messy? Were there gender expectations put on your play?  Gender differencesThe majority of girls lose play between the ages of 8 and 11. 70% of girls drop out of sports between 7 and 10 years old. They start to shift focus to peer and family relationships and behavioral expectations of being well-mannered and kind. They are encouraged to get out of self-connection and prioritize...
Leadership Energy in Parenting
Feb 1 2024
Leadership Energy in Parenting
You know how some moms’ kids seem to listen to them and others don’t? What is it that makes some kids listen and follow directions more than others? What is it that allows the parent to have more ease in those moments?I believe leadership has a huge impact. In today’s episode, I’m talking about leadership energy in parenting and how it can shift the dynamic of your home (in a good way!).We’re getting into:The benefits of bringing leadership energy into parenting momentsHow to get more compliance and ease in your family (and less chaos and arguing)How to build the leadership traits of clarity, commitment, confidence and calmThis episode is an invitation to you to see the value of leadership and the value of connecting with your own leadership energy. --------------------------------------------What kind of energy are you bringing to your parenting, the decisions you make and the way you show up with your kids? I believe leadership has a huge impact on how well your kids listen to you, the ease you feel and the overall dynamic of your home.Individuals with leadership energy seem to be able to get people to work together and motivate people to follow their vision and plan. What I’ve seen with parents is that when you bring that leadership energy, there is a lot more compliance and ease and less chaos and arguing.  Why Is Leadership Important in Parenting?You may not be a leader in your job, but inside the four walls of your home, someone has to be in charge (and it’s not the kids). As the adult, you know what’s best. You understand time and money and nutrition and sleep. Your kids don’t. Plus, kids are wired to look to the adults around them for safety and to be guided and taught. The energy that you bring to that role will impact the way your kid responds. Imagine a situation where you ask your child to do something (get dressed, clean up their toys, get in the bathtub, etc.). When you tell your kid what to do, they will have some kind of response to it. They’re humans, after all, with their own personalities, desires and interests. If they don’t want to do what you’ve asked, you’re going to see some resistance and protest. This might look like ignoring you, saying “no”, complaining or negotiating.What happens next can go a couple different ways… Without Leadership EnergyYour kid’s resistance makes you feel powerless, overwhelmed, angry or resentful. You might think, “I don't have any control over this kid.”Often, the parent then tries to get the kid to buy in and agree to what they’re being asked to do. It turns into convincing or coercing them to behave a certain way. You might notice yourself explaining why something is important (and they usually start arguing back). Or maybe you try to bribe them with a promise of some future reward (which they’ll also try to negotiate). Or the threats of punishment come out and you use fear to try to get them to comply. Shame or comparison might even make an appearance. “Other kids get to school on time. Why can’t you?”When we get into these convincing strategies, we’re communicating that we feel out of control and we’re not sure how this is going to go. And it actually makes your kid feel unsafe because they’re looking to you to be the grown-up. On some level they know they shouldn’t be the one in control. These ineffective strategies come out when you feel like you’re backed into a corner and you don’t know what else to do.I want to offer that you DO know what to do. You have tons of evidence from times when your...
Teaching Kids To Love Their Bodies with Victoria Yates
Jan 25 2024
Teaching Kids To Love Their Bodies with Victoria Yates
Victoria Yates is back on the podcast today to talk with me about teaching kids to love their bodies and have a great relationship with food and their bodies. We’re addressing some of the challenges and fears that we face as parents, how society has told us to view our bodies, and then she’ll share some strategies to help you support your kid’s health in a positive way.Victoria is an intuitive eating and body image coach for women. She is also a former labor & delivery and pediatric nurse. The last time she was here, we talked about how we, as women, can heal our relationships with our bodies and move toward body acceptance and self love at a deeper level. Today, we’re taking it a step further to develop a body positive dynamic for the whole family. If you’ve been here for a while, you know that my mission as a parenting coach is to heal the next generation in advance. To help our kids get to adulthood without a bunch of trauma and insecurity that they need to heal from. One of the things that women (myself included) are healing from is our relationship with our bodies and with food. What would it be like if our kids didn’t need to heal these wounds? What is Body Positivity?Recent culture tells us that a small body = health. And there’s pushback against body positivity by people thinking this means that accepting our bodies means that health isn’t important anymore. Victoria explains that her idea of body positivity is not that there are good or bad bodies. Everyone has a different body. It’s a part of human diversity. Body positivity is really about saying, “This is the body that I was given,” and being a little more neutral and accepting of it. We aren’t all made to be one specific size, and there are a lot of factors that go into our size and weight. Some are things we can control, like our eating habits, movement, sleep and stress. But a large component also comes from our genetics. And our bodies are always changing. You can think of your relationship with your body like a relationship with another person (e.g. your kid or your spouse/partner). You’re always learning new things about them. You might be frustrated with them at times, but the acceptance and love is still there.  What Our Culture Says About BodiesThere is an anti-fat bias in our society. On the flip side of that, there is privilege that comes with being thin. Society uses our bodies to decide what is beautiful, healthy and even moral. And this translates into seeing a fat body and labeling it as not beautiful or healthy, like they’ve done something wrong. Living in a body that isn’t accepted by society comes with the risk of being made fun of or passed up for opportunities. As parents, this can feel scary. We want to keep our kids safe, and they are more likely to be valued in society if they are in a thin body. You might jump to thinking, “I’ve gotta put my kid on a diet,” or “I’ve gotta make sure they move.”I see these concerns about weight and body shape come in often around age 9 or 10, as kids are entering puberty. Their bodies are changing in a lot of ways, and kids seem to put on weight before they have growth spurts (not a doctor here, just an observation). It can be scary for parents to see those changes, and I sometimes see diet culture start to creep in. Victoria shares that most of her adult clients first started dieting in their teenage years. This can be generational, starting with a girl going to a Weight Watchers meeting or doing a diet plan with her mom. The truth is, people might judge your kid by the way they look. We can’t control that. They might even judge your parenting based on how your kid looks. It can be...
Why Consequences Matter
Jan 18 2024
Why Consequences Matter
Over the past 15 years, I’ve seen a shift in our society’s approach to parenting. We’re moving away from punishment and shame and toward compassion (I love it!!). But gentle parenting has its pitfalls, too. Today, I’m talking about why consequences matter and how you can use natural and logical consequences to help your child understand and take responsibility for the impact of their behavior without hurting your relationship. A Shift From Traditional To Gentle Parenting I've spent the last 15 years advocating for a shift in the way we approach discipline and consequences with our children. In the early days, it was revolutionary to me to learn that I didn't have to use pain, punishment, shame, spanking or time-outs to get through to my kids. Teaching parents this new, more compassionate approach was an uphill battle. These days, more and more moms are aware of gentler parenting philosophies. I’ve been able to see firsthand the shift that has happened over the last decade and a half. In working with moms of different generations, I’ve seen that Gen X struggles a lot more with trying to release themselves from those punitive measures and lecturing and shaming. It’s a lot of work. We didn’t have a model or map for this, but you’re here listening. You’re doing the work.In millennial parents, there is a deeper desire to show up for your kids with compassion. You’re connected and committed, and I love it. I also want you to see that permissive parenting is a pitfall of gentle parenting. We need to still parent our children, which means we need to help them understand that their behavior has a result.We’ve reached a point where parents are so aware of not wanting to hurt their kids that they’re often afraid to say no, to acknowledge that a behavior is causing a problem or to follow through with consequences. Why Consequences MatterThis shift to a gentler parenting approach can even go so far as not wanting our kids to experience any kind of discomfort and doing whatever we can to prevent that from happening. We try to rescue them from their own choices and behavior, from the results of their own actions.What I find myself teaching more and more now is that consequences aren’t mean. They’re necessary. It isn’t wrong to teach your kids that their behavior has an impact that is not okay.I completely understand the desire to protect your kids from discomfort. But the truth is, if you constantly rescue your kids and don't let them experience the negative impact of their behavior, their behavior will not change.The way that we teach our kids that their behavior causes problems is by showing them the problems and letting them experience the impacts of their behavior. If you don't bring impacts to your kids, how do they learn? What alternative do you have? You can talk and explain, but experience is the teacher.You can be firm. You can be strong. You can be the leader in your family. And you can do these things without being harsh, mean or hurting your relationship with your child.We do this by using natural and logical consequences, rather than punitive ones that focus on punishment, pain and shame. Natural and Logical ConsequencesNatural and logical consequences are two ways to let your kid experience the impact of their behavior. With natural consequences, the impact comes to your child. It is a direct result of their choice.For example, you provide breakfast before school. Your kid chooses not to eat, so they’re going to feel hungry later. You did your part by giving them the opportunity to eat. A hungry belly is a good lesson. They’ll feel a little uncomfortable, but they aren’t going to starve because they’ll have other chances to eat later in the day.With logical consequences, you
Resetting Crappy Moments
Jan 11 2024
Resetting Crappy Moments
We all have them, those days when things are going well, you’re having a nice day with the kids and things feel easy…But then a switch gets flipped and everything goes to crap. In this episode, you’ll learn my process for resetting crappy moments so you can get back to feeling calm and connected (and maybe even have a little fun!).I know firsthand the challenges that come with managing unexpected meltdowns and dysregulated behaviors. Maybe your kid has a tantrum and you have no idea why or you hit your threshold before you even realize you’re starting to feel overwhelmed. Bonus points if you’re at the grocery store, out to eat or visiting someone else’s home. When Happy Turns to CrappyThis scenario of things escalating quickly is so common. I see it sometimes at restaurants. A family comes in and orders food. The kids are doing fine. They’re occupied while they wait for the food to come and eat it really fast because they’re hungry. Then, they start to act out. Mom’s thinking, “All I wanted to do was sit here and enjoy myself. Now my kids are super wild, and I don't know what to do. Do we leave? Do we not leave?” She’s about to lose it (and maybe she does).The problem here is that the kids now have full bellies. They have energy to burn and don’t know what to do while they sit and wait for everyone else to finish eating. And when mom runs out of patience and becomes harsh or starts to make threats, the situation escalates. Why Crappy Moments HappenIn these moments, your child's amygdala, the part of their brain that activates the stress response, is sounding an alarm. At the restaurant, it might be triggered by boredom or restlessness. This discomfort causes your child to become dysregulated, so they come up with strategies to communicate or cope with that uncomfortable feeling (like getting noisy or wild with their body). They’re feeling a certain way and showing it with their body. But we tend to bypass the emotion and jump straight to “fixing” the behavior. When your child is dysregulated and acting out, your brain is going to tell you to start threatening and punishing. To discipline the behavior and get them back in line. It sees their behavior as a threat. But this is not the time for consequences. It will only escalate the situation even more. Resetting Crappy MomentsThe first step is to simply recognize that these moments happened. At first, you might only realize it after the fact, but with practice you’ll learn to see it while it’s happening. When you feel like things are going off the rails and your kids are escalating and things are just really hard and feel awful, I want you to take a pause break with everyone. When you notice that your child is having feelings about something, take a moment to address it. This might mean pausing a conversation or activity. In the restaurant scenario, you could take the child aside or go sit next to them and calmly say, “We need to talk here for a second.” Taking this pause to calm yourself and your child comes from a leadership energy of believing that you are actually in control here. You know what to do. You know how to reset. Rather than making commands or threats, turn to your child and connect with them. Either in your own mind or with your kid, narrate what is happening and name the emotion that might be causing it. Then ask them what they’re going to do next. Empower them to make a decision about the next steps. Set some limits, and if they can’t hold them, you’ll have to pivot. If that pivot costs you anything (time, money, energy,...
5 Emotional Needs of Kids
Jan 4 2024
5 Emotional Needs of Kids
In compassionate parenting, we talk a lot about emotions. In today’s episode I’m explaining the 5 emotional needs of kids, how unmet needs show up in behavior and how you can support your child’s emotional health.In last week’s Parenting 101 episode, I talked about the core needs of attachment and authenticity for humans, including how we can teach better coping strategies while validating our kids’ emotions and authentic selves.This week, we’re diving deeper into what is really going on when your child is misbehaving. Remember, feelings drive behavior. As parents, we can use our kids’ behavior as information to help them deal with the emotions underneath. 5 Emotional Needs of KidsThese five needs are essential for all of us, and anytime we have a need that isn’t being met, we’ll look for a strategy to cope or try to get what we want. The same is true of our kids.Please don’t judge yourself as we go through these. It is not your responsibility to meet every one of these needs at all times, but it is important to recognize that when your child has an unmet need, they will have feelings about it (fear, worry, sadness, etc.) and these will show up in their behavior. AttachmentFor humans, attachment means safety. Kids need to feel safe, secure and connected in their relationship with their parents. An unmet need for attachment feels unsafe, insecure, worried, anxious, scared or hurt. AcceptanceThis relates to our core need for authenticity, the ability to be accepted for who we are, without conditions or expectations. Your child doesn’t want to believe that they have to earn your love. They want to feel like, at their core, they’re great and there is nothing wrong with them. When kids start to sense that they aren’t being accepted for their authentic self, they might feel rejected, unwanted, neglected or abandoned.AffectionOur children thrive on physical touch and affection. This physical affection can serve as a symbol of your connection and attachment. Unmet affection needs show up as feelings of loneliness, fear or sadness. AppreciationWe all have work to do in the world. We have a primal need for our lives to matter and to feel like we have purpose. Even kids need to feel seen and that they matter. They need to feel valued and recognized for their efforts and achievements. Feeling unappreciated can also look like feeling unworthy, disapproved of or even unlovable. AutonomyKids crave a sense of independence and control over their lives (as becomes obvious when they learn the word “no” as toddlers). The need for agency and autonomy is there at all ages, but becomes especially true during the teen years. In order to go out into the world, they need to believe that they have power over their lives and be trusted with that power. When this need isn’t met, we feel powerless, trapped and scared.  Supporting Your Kids’ Emotional NeedsI sometimes call this therapeutic parenting, because you’re learning how the brain and psychology work so that you can become your child's emotional coach, guiding them through navigating their emotions and understanding their needs.When you see arguing, blaming, stalling, hitting, kicking, spitting, complaining, intense crying, hiding, lying or other challenging behaviors, you can get curious about what feelings and unmet needs are underneath.Step 1: Tune into your child’s emotional state. Be present, listen actively, and offer empathetic responses. Our kids need to feel seen, heard, and valued for their emotional experiences. We need to be present and attuned to their...
Parenting 101: The Basics
Dec 28 2023
Parenting 101: The Basics
As we kick off 2024, it seemed like a good time to return to the basics of compassionate parenting. Plus, “Parenting 101” is a really fun title for our 101st episode! Today, I’ll walk you through some foundational principles and invite you to think about what you want to focus on as a parent this year. The Basics of Human NeedsIn his book, The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté talks about the two essential needs of humans - attachment and authenticity. Attachment is what drives human behavior. It’s primal. Our nervous system is wired to seek physical and emotional closeness with other humans because we are safer when we are in a community. This need is even stronger in children, because they are completely dependent on their caregivers for a pretty long period of time. The attachment between child and caregiver is vital to their survival. This attachment looks like physical safety, biological needs being met and emotional safety. Ultimately, if I feel attached, I feel safe. The second primal need is authenticity. This means being able to know yourself and express who you are inside. This is a more individualized drive to understand ourselves, and includes building our intuition, trusting our gut and knowing what we’re capable of. It is at the root of self-esteem and self-concept.Ideally, we want to feel unconditional attachment with the freedom to express our true selves.  The Struggle Between Authenticity and AttachmentTension arises when being our authentic self threatens our attachments. This can happen a lot during childhood.  Kids (and all humans) express their thoughts and feelings through behavior. What often happens is if the caregiver finds the behavior unacceptable, they detach from the child or do other things that threaten their sense of attachment and safety. In parenting, this might look like:Time outsSpankingIgnoring our kidsOnly giving them our attention when they’re behaving the way we wantTime outs are often used as a punishment, rather than the original intent of providing a break for the child to calm themselves. The message is that your behavior (and therefore you) is not acceptable, and you cannot be here with us until you can act right. It tells them that your attachment is conditional on behavior. Spanking is another example where attachment is broken. The message is that you are going to hurt their body in order to teach them how to behave. Ultimately, they learn that they are not safe when they misbehave.You can threaten attachment to get control over your kids and manipulate them into behaving a certain way, but they’ll likely develop a low self-concept in the process. The child only learns to be performative. They try to figure out how to get their needs met through behaving a certain way, which leads to suppressing emotion, people pleasing and insecurity. It turns into a feeling that, at their core, they are not okay. Kids are constantly looking for reassurance that they are safe in the relationship and that they can rely on the adults around them. Attachment should never be conditional. The process I teach allows you to acknowledge that your child is struggling, set limits around the behavior and help them handle their feelings in a way that works for everyone. You can think of this more as a “time in”. On the flip side, when we reassure our kids of our unconditional love, they grow into adults who are secure and feel safe and worthy. They’ll...
How Trauma Informed My Parenting
Dec 21 2023
How Trauma Informed My Parenting
Welcome to our 100th episode of Become a Calm Mama! Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past.I also have my best friend, Tiffany Howsam, here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey. Please note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself.  How Trauma Informed My ParentingWhen my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time.There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help. One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked. As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control. I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe. This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance, When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow.As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do. There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for.  How I’m Healing From Childhood TraumaThere are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress. A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it. As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines to support me. I did a lot of work on my mental health, through journaling, therapy and other people in my life who I could trust. I learned all I could about parenting. I read books, attended classes and workshops, completed workbooks and put a lot of time and energy into it. Then I combined all I’d learned about parenting with skills I’d used to work on my...
Winter Break Tips for Moms
Dec 14 2023
Winter Break Tips for Moms
In today’s episode, I’ll give you 4 winter break tips for you and 4 tips for your kids. You’ll learn strategies to take better care of yourself, feel less overwhelmed, be compassionate with your kids and reduce meltdowns. Winter break can be hard for us and our kids. What often happens is we sort of just start going into the holiday season and winter break without a plan or being prepared. Today, I hope you’ll feel empowered to put the brakes on if you need to so that you can actually enjoy this time with your kids and have fun doing the things you want to do this holiday season. Make Your Life Work For You This Winter BreakWhen you are overwhelmed and you have no time or energy to take care of yourself, it's gonna take away from enjoying the season with your kids. These four strategies will help you to be more calm and present this winter break. Tip #1: Be realistic about your schedule and to-do list.Before you jump into a bunch of activities, take a moment to ask yourself, “What can I actually handle right now? What’s been going on for my kids, and how are they doing?” Think about how much time, energy and mental capacity you have. If you’re really depleted (or if you just know it’s always a disaster when you go out to eat in a restaurant) I want you to opt out and say no. Change your plans rather than push yourself.  Tip #2: Stop people-pleasing.Similar to the first tip, this is about not doing things that are outside of what you want to do or what you can handle. When you try to please others by going outside of what you have capacity for, you end up feeling like crap. You don’t enjoy the thing or you feel resentful or you get home and dump all your overwhelm and feelings on your kids. It is okay for you to disappoint people, change your plans or decline invitations. Friends or family might feel a little sting when you say no, but that negative feeling will likely pass quickly. Tip #3: Ask for help.This is a hard one for moms. We feel like it’s our job to do all the holiday stuff, but sometimes there are people in our lives who actually want to help and be involved in the holiday preparations. When we do it all ourselves, we usually end up really tired and sometimes resentful (again). It’s okay to invite your partner into it if you have one. It’s okay to ask guests to bring something to the dinner or take your neighbor up on their offer to watch your kids. Your people want to help you. So let them.  Tip #4: Decrease the noise.This is something I’ve really been trying to practice in my own life. It might look like keeping clutter down around the house, turning off some notifications on your phone, reading less news or taking a break from social media.Hearing our phones ding all the time actually upsets the nervous system and activates cortisol.When we spend less time listening to and responding to these other things, it opens up time and space to connect with yourself, your kids or in nature. Maybe you’re laughing, playing games or going for a walk as a family.The goal with all of these tips is that you feel better and more calm this holiday season. Not frantic, rushed, too busy or overwhelmed. I want you to enjoy it and remember the feelings.  How To Support Your Kids This Winter BreakThese strategies will help you be more attuned to where your kids are (mentally and emotionally) this winter break, how to support them and how to create better scenarios that decrease misbehavior and meltdowns.  Tip #1: Know that kids are feeling stressed, too.Believe it or not, winter break can be pretty stressful for our kids. Their routines are
How To Handle A Meltdown
Dec 7 2023
How To Handle A Meltdown
Whether it’s during the holidays or just on the drive to or from school, meltdowns and tantrums are part of parenting life. In this short and sweet episode, you’ll learn why tantrums happen and get tools and tips for how to handle a meltdown, help your kid deal with the impact of their behavior and cut down the frequency, duration and intensity of big feeling cycles. Why Is Your Kid Having A Meltdown?You might call it a meltdown, a temper tantrum or a fit. I like to call it a big feeling cycle. I like to use this term for a couple of reasons. First, it reminds you that this situation is temporary. Cycles typically have a beginning and an end, and your child’s big feeling cycle is no different. This can be really helpful when you’re in it and it feels like it’s going to go on forever. Second, I want you to recognize that feelings are the root of this behavior. Sometimes, your kid has really big, overwhelming feelings that they don’t know what to do with. And the strategies they use to cope with those feelings (like hitting, kicking, yelling, blaming, etc.) might not be ideal. Their brain has thoughts about some circumstance that they don’t like or that is uncomfortable. This triggers the big feelings. Meltdowns are often triggered when you tell your child no or correct their behavior. They don’t know what to do with the big fear, anger, sadness or other feelings they’re experiencing, so their body takes over and they do anything they can in order to soothe themselves. Of course, we don’t want our kids to hit, kick, and throw things when they get upset, so what’s a mama to do?  How To Handle A MeltdownThe first priority during a meltdown is to keep everyone safe. If your kid is doing some kind of behavior that hurts others, step in and use the Hard No. Say something like, “It’s okay to feel sad. It’s not okay to hit.” Be firm here. Separate kids if you need to.The Hard No is just about facts (no moralizing, lecturing or logic). Your feelings are okay. Your strategy isn’t working. That’s all. In most cases, everyone is safe. You just have a kid who is melting down. Maybe they are complaining, whining or crying. The two things that calm and soothe a big feeling cycle most are connection and moving the body. Step 1: Recognize that your kid is in a big feeling cycleYour brain might see your kid’s behavior as a threat, so you’ll need to remind yourself that this is a big feeling cycle. It’s happened before, and it will end.  Step 2: Validate the emotionCome alongside your child to validate and help name their emotion, either out loud or inside your own heart. This is the Connection Tool. You can say something like, “Honey, you’re kicking and screaming. Are you feeling sad? Okay, that makes sense.”Just your connection and validation will be soothing to them. It’s important to recognize that you can’t use the Connection Tool to end a big feeling cycle. You have to ride the wave and let the cycle complete itself. Our goal in validating and naming the emotion and offering solutions is not to interrupt the big feeling cycle but to decrease the length and intensity of it.  Step 3: Offer solutionsNext, you can ask them to tell you more about how they’re feeling and what’s happening. Or, they might need to show you. The idea is to replace the strategy that they’re using with one that is more “acceptable”. We’re giving them a way to move through the emotion and push it...
Your Nervous System Explained
Nov 30 2023
Your Nervous System Explained
As we head into the holiday season, I want to give you some ways to prepare your nervous system for ALL the things coming your way. With all of the holiday buildup, family visits and kids being home for winter break, your nervous system is going to get activated and you're going to need to work harder to reset it. You’ve probably heard me talk about your stress response. As a parent, your stress response gets activated pretty often. Your brain interprets misbehavior or another everyday situation as an emergency, your brain sounds the alarm and your body gets flooded with “stress juice”. Today, I’m zooming out to talk about the bigger picture of your entire central nervous system. And I’ll show you how you can use your own nervous system to calm yourself more quickly.  Your Nervous System ExplainedThere are two main parts of your nervous system. The first is your sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard this talked about as your fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn response). The second part is your parasympathetic nervous system, which includes the vagus nerve. The two parts work together to help you respond to stressful situations and then decrease that stress response, kinda like a teeter totter. One is activated at a time, while the other is decreased. Think of your nervous system as an information highway running through your body at all times. It takes in information through your senses and tells the brain how to respond to what you are experiencing. Neurons (brain cells) carry this message all throughout your body. If your brain interprets any of this information as dangerous, it triggers your stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. To your brain, a threat can be something like a kid spitting in your face or getting a bad grade or spilling juice all over the table. Stress juice floods your body, giving you the oomph to respond to the danger. When your stress response is activated, there is a period of time where you aren’t able to regulate your nervous system. When that threat has passed, you start to come back online and your parasympathetic nervous system comes into play. The parasympathetic nervous system is your best friend when it comes to managing your stress response. It has its own network of nerves and helps relax your body after periods of stress or danger. It typically activates on its own after a stressor, but when we have triggers coming at us all the time (like in parenting life), it gets weakened and doesn’t respond as well. That’s why you need tools to reset the system on your own. When we talk about calm and taking pause breaks to reset, the parasympathetic nervous system is the piece that we’re resetting.  Chronic StressYour stress response is healthy and necessary. But often, our brains misinterpret things (like spilled juice being a life-or-death emergency). Parenting is a lot. What ends up happening is that you have a lot of demands and stressors coming at you one after the next, and you don't always have enough time to recover from them.This causes us to be chronically stressed. We constantly have stress juice pouring through our bodies, and it makes it really difficult to stay calm.This is what’s going on when you find yourself getting angry and annoyed about every single thing your kid does. You’ve probably been in an activated stress response for a while, so you are dysregulated. As a mom, you’re dealing with stressors all day long, especially if you have more than one kid. But there are little breaks in between.Our goal is to practice getting ourselves into the...
Navigating Grief as a Parent with Leslie Gelfand
Nov 23 2023
Navigating Grief as a Parent with Leslie Gelfand
This episode is coming out on Thanksgiving Day, and the holiday season is officially here. But sometimes, as humans, we’re in pain even when we are doing celebratory things. Today, my friend and grief coach, Leslie Gelfand, is here to talk about navigating grief as a parent, especially around the holidays.As a grief recovery specialist, Leslie helps her clients navigate through many different kinds of grief and become complete with the pain associated with the loss. I’m so grateful to Leslie for all that she’s taught me and helped me to work through in my own life, and I am so glad she is here to share her expertise with you, as well. What Is Grief?Leslie explains grief as “the normal and natural reaction to a loss” that is caused by an end or change in a familiar pattern or behavior. It is the end of how things were.We can feel grief over a loved one dying, losing a relationship, pet or job. In fact, Leslie shares that there are over 40 different kinds of loss that people can experience that cause grief. Of course, grief shows up differently for different people and situations, including the type of relationship you had with someone you’ve lost. And we often have conflicting feelings. For example, a combination of sadness, relief and guilt.  Anticipatory GriefAnticipatory grief comes up when you know that a big loss is coming. I know that a lot of you are in a stage of life where you have children in your home, and you’re also caregiving for aging, ill or dying parents. I call this the “Panini Place” because it isn’t just a sandwich. It’s hot, you’re feeling pressed and there’s a lot of pressure. This is also a time when you’re likely experiencing anticipatory grief. It’s almost as if we’re pre-grieving. We’re anticipating that the loss and pain is coming. In some ways, this anticipation brings the pain to us early. But it can also aid us in helping to prepare for the loss. It can make the pain a little easier to digest by spreading it out over time. It can also help us to be more present, because we’re aware that each time we see that person it may be the last time. And anticipatory grief gives you a little bit of a preview of how you're going to manage this loss and how you're going to come through it.  Navigating Grief as a ParentAs parents, there are two main concerns that come up with grief: How can I take care of myself and mourn while still caring for my kids? And how do I talk to my kids about what is going on?Many kids’ first experience of death is with a pet, but with any loss at a young age, it feels really, really intense. When my kids were young and experienced the death of a pet, they really followed my emotional lead. They took a cue from me, how I was responding and the emotions I was showing. Our kids don’t have the capacity to take care of us, and they’re looking to us to see if they’re going to be okay. This means that we want to process some of that emotion before bringing it to our kids so that they understand the feelings without it being overwhelming.Kids start to understand the concept of death around age 5. When talking to kids about loss and grief, Leslie says that the details of diagnosis, treatment, etc. don’t really matter. She recommends that for kids up to age 12, explaining death as “the person’s body stopped working,” is a simple explanation they can process. Older kids will ask more questions. They might want to know how or why their body stopped working. She also explains that it’s important to use the terms “death” or “died” rather than more abstract phrasing like “passed away” or “moved on”. We want to use language that is clear and that kids can understand, not nuanced terms that might be confusing. Many of us were taught by our parents to not show emotion. Stay busy,...
A Calm Thanksgiving With Kids
Nov 16 2023
A Calm Thanksgiving With Kids
Thanksgiving is about a week away here in the U.S. This is a day that can be challenging for kids and adults alike, so today’s episode will help you to prepare yourself and your family to have a calm Thanksgiving with kids. Think back to the past few Thanksgivings. How did they go? Were there some things you’d like to change (or was it just a complete shit-show)?Whether you’re hoping for small or large changes this Thanksgiving, I’ve got four strategies to help you prepare yourself, feel connected to your kids and enjoy the holiday more.  Why Thanksgiving is Challenging for KidsThere are a few things I see come up often (and that I experienced myself with my two boys and ten nieces and nephews).First, kids seem to get into a lot of mischief during Thanksgiving. There’s a lot going on and, especially if you’re at someone else’s house, they might feel confused about their boundaries. They get into stuff they shouldn’t and go into spaces where you don’t want them to go. Plus, they’re bored. Thanksgiving is a long day, and all the adults are focused on other things. Kids are often left to their own devices, but they also probably don’t have access to all their favorite toys and activities. When it comes to mealtime, parents often feel embarrassed by their kids’ table manners. This is something that takes kids a long time to learn. Even just fork food versus finger food is a confusing concept to kids. Sometimes, they act out at the table, don’t want to eat the food or can’t seem to sit still. They may not want to participate in all the traditions, which can feel chaotic, disappointing or embarrassing as a parent. Ultimately, for kids, Thanksgiving is just a bit overwhelming. They might look to you to see if everything is okay. But if they sense that you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it might make them feel more anxious, too. Strategies for a Calm Thanksgiving with KidsAs moms, holidays can come with a lot of pressure. We want ourselves and our kids to be seen in a certain way and are afraid of being judged. But if this overwhelm builds up you might be the one who has a meltdown and has to leave the table (that’s not what we want!). Have A PlanThrough your Thanksgiving celebrations, you're exposing your kid to some traditions, values and cultural experiences that you care about. You don’t need them to buy in and participate in every aspect (this idea alone can relieve a ton of pressure). What your child really needs from you throughout the day is connection and co-regulation. Having a plan in mind to do this makes things feel less chaotic. Spend some time thinking through the day itself (almost like how a teacher would map out a school day). What will the day be like? What time are you leaving? If you’re hosting, what will your kid’s morning look like? Which parent or adult will help move the kids in and out of activities? Who will co-regulate with them when they need it? If you’re the host, you’ll probably need to ask for some help here.Think about which parts of the day might be difficult for your child and decide on 2-3 times you will intentionally connect with them. While you might not want to do this because you’d rather be talking with the other adults, connecting with your kid throughout the day often means that you actually get more uninterrupted time in between. A little bit of focused time with you early in the day will go a long way, and a little connection can buy you a lot of compliance. Connect again in the middle of the day for some kind of structured activity. Then, do some big body movement to get the wiggles out before the meal. Jump on a trampoline, go for a walk or do a dance party. Know what you’ll do if your kid has a meltdown. Instead of pressuring your child to participate...